"Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Baby geese - goslings! They were juggled."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

What I was hoping would never happen, happened

I'm sitting in the MSLC because I wouldn't know where else to go. I didn't before, and I still don't. Longer term, I'm even more clueless.

I got a call during lunch that was sickly reminiscent of my last failed relationship. I knew it was coming when I saw the name and dreaded answering because it was so...abnormal. The next two hours were spent curled up in the woods as a thunderstorm set in. My parents, well-rehearsed and doing all the talking, kept me company thousands of miles away.

It is so difficult sitting here in this lobby surrounded by tourists. I'm madly biting my lip to keep from revealing what I feel and making their once-in-a-lifetime vacation feel just a little more awkward and disappointing (it's raining, so they won't see the mountain). It's even worse because everyone here is a couple. It looks like they've been together for decades.

I wish I could just let go when these things happen and feel the way the person who hurt me does -justified to destroy the bond. I shouldn't hurt. This should be an agreement, not a severance. I should feel set free and whole; instead I just feel cut in half with the rest drained. I believe I didn't get a proper chance to fix whatever happened. Thus I feel this is so utterly wrong.

So here I have to remain. In a beautiful land that, for me, has been tarnished forever. I came here for a future and to keep building what was begun. The only reason I even bothered to look for employment in Alaska was for him. I came here, tearing as fast as I could away from graduate school, for him. I stay because I have to. I will probably leave when I'm allowed.

What was I fighting for? Every day through graduate school was an enormous struggle, powered by the desire to get back to him. All I wanted in the world was to escape. I felt energized and encouraged by his beliefs and loved what he wanted for his future....I desperately wanted to be a part of that.

Rebecca told me not to give up on love, but I want to. It's not worth the pain. It's not worth investing so much just to realize in the end that it was meaningless. I would rather just avoid the blissful highs because, as I have learned again, they are always followed by the tragic realization that - after all - I wasn't loved as I had come to believe.

I would rather not feel anything instead of how I feel now.

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